Rogue Reads Volume 1
Rogue Reads: “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle” by Emily Nagoski & Amelia Nagoski
Why This Book?
In May 2022, I began a journey I thought I could manage: starting my Master’s in Counselling Psychology while teaching full-time, raising a 2 ½-year-old, and juggling my relationships and family responsibilities. I told myself I could “do it all.” It would be hard, but only for 2 ½ years. Surely, I could handle the stress.
Every day, I woke up early to do coursework, then went to work and taught, picked up my daughter from daycare, and spent time with my family before diving back into schoolwork. I’d try to connect with my husband before collapsing into bed, only to repeat it all the next day. After months of this routine, my body began to break down. I developed hives, was constantly sick, and then, a personal crisis hit. That’s when I realized I couldn’t do it all. I was burnt out.
I took a leave from teaching to focus on my mental health and started recovering through art, therapy, and breathwork. These practices helped, but it wasn’t until I read Burnout that I understood why. The book illuminated the path to burnout and validated the recovery steps I had taken. I wish I had read it sooner, it would have helped me manage stress and offer myself more grace before I hit my breaking point.
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle was introduced during my training to become a Perinatal Certified Counsellor through Canadian Perinatal Mental Health Training. We covered topics like the parental nervous system, healthy relationships, boundary-setting, effective communication, and managing the mental load of parenting. In discussing the stressors that weigh on parents, particularly mothers, Emily and Amelia Nagoski’s work came up as a highly recommended and helpful resource.
As a mom carrying much of the mental load in my family and as a therapist supporting clients who struggle to manage stress, I was intrigued. With glowing recommendations from my peers, I decided to dive in.
The Gist of It
Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle is a compassionate, science-backed guide that unpacks the causes and effects of burnout, especially for women. It explains the gap between experiencing stress and resolving it, underscoring the need to complete the stress cycle to maintain emotional and physical health.
The authors discuss societal pressures, including "Human Giver Syndrome," which burdens women with expectations to prioritize others over themselves. They illustrate how failing to close the stress cycle impacts our lives through relatable examples, humour, research, and personal anecdotes. They also explore and discuss systemic issues like patriarchy and racism that perpetuate and normalize burnout.
Beyond identifying problems, this book offers practical strategies for navigating stress, building resilience, and rediscovering joy from rest and connection to creative expression. Whether you’re grappling with workplace demands, caregiving responsibilities, or life’s daily pressures, Burnout provides actionable tools for healing and thriving.
What Stuck With Me
One takeaway that resonated deeply was: “Just because you’ve dealt with the stressor doesn’t mean you’ve dealt with the stress itself” (Nagoski & Nagoski, 2019, p.6).
The authors highlight how cavemen closed their stress cycles, like running from a lion, by running away and physically escaping danger. Today, our stressors may not involve lions but rather annoying coworkers or demanding children. Yet, our nervous system still flags these as critical threats. Without recognizing and addressing this, we accumulate years of unresolved stress, risking significant health issues like impaired digestion, hormonal imbalances, and heart disease. This underscores the necessity of actively closing stress cycles for long-term well-being. It might take time, especially if you’ve been going your whole life like this, but you will notice the relief when we close these cycles over time.
Another concept that stood out was the “Monitor” or the “discrepancy-reducing/-increasing feedback loop,” essentially the inner gauge tracking your progress toward goals. The authors illustrate this with a scenario of driving to the mall in 20 minutes. If you are driving and hitting all the green lights, our monitor is happy because we are progressing steadily toward reaching our goal; when it’s happy, it’s quiet. If traffic slows progress, the Monitor reacts with increasing frustration and causes our system to become annoyed. Eventually, if the traffic delays persist, the goal feels unattainable, leading to feelings of despair.
The book offers two strategies to address this:
Planful Problem-Solving: When stressors are within our control, analyze the issue, devise a plan, and act. For example, use GPS to find an alternate route.
Positive Reappraisal: When control is limited, reframe the experience. For instance, traffic delays can be viewed as an opportunity for growth or redefined as a way to win, e.g., shifting from “arriving on time” to “enjoying the journey.” Incremental goals can also help ease frustration.
This insight transformed how I approach stress and reframed failure as a natural part of growth.
Putting It Into Practice
While I’m still working through the workbook, I’ve already started applying some of its strategies. To close long-open stress cycles, I’ve prioritized:
Movement: Physical activity like walking, dancing, working out, etc., signals to the nervous system that it’s safe. The authors note that physical movement is the fastest way to close a stress cycle. Research suggests 20-60 minutes of movement daily.
Sleep is essential for processing stress and resetting the body. We need a minimum of 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep, with an ideal of 7-9 hours of restful sleep.
Deep Breathing: Techniques with longer exhales than inhales help calm the nervous system. For example, breathing in for a count of 5, holding for a count of 5, exhaling for a count of 10, holding for a count of 5, and then repeating.
Connection and Affection: Small actions like 20-second hugs or 6-second kisses can shift the body from a state of anxiety to a state of safety.
Creative Expression: Daily creative outlets, like art or writing, have immensely grounded me.
Creating textured art was a healing journey during my burnout recovery. Art became a powerful way to process and express emotions through my hands and heart. As I’ve learned from Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, creative expression is a way to close the stress cycle.
Who Is This Book For?
This book is for anyone overwhelmed by life’s demands, particularly women and those socialized as caregivers. While it focuses on women’s unique challenges, the strategies are universally valuable.
If you feel stuck in a cycle of stress without relief, Burnout provides a compassionate, practical roadmap to healing. Whether you’re navigating workplace stress, caregiving roles, or societal pressures, this book offers tools to lead a more balanced life.
Final Thoughts
I wholeheartedly recommend Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle. It deepened my understanding of stress and provided tools that are both validating and empowering. By raising self-awareness, we can foster healing and compassion within ourselves and our communities.
For those short on time, the companion Burnout Workbook: Advice and Exercises to Help You Unlock the Stress Cycle is an excellent summary with practical exercises. Whether you read the book, work through the workbook, or both, the insights shared by Emily and Amelia Nagoski could be transformative and the first step toward reclaiming your well-being and joy.
If you notice that symptoms of burnout are dominating your ability to regulate your emotions, reach out today to book a free consultation. Let’s explore how we can work together to help you find balance and restore your well-being.
