Rogue Reads Volume 2

Rogue Reads: “The Let Them Theory” by Mel Robbins

Why This Book?

A few years ago, during therapy, my therapist said something that completely shifted my perspective: "Courtney, control is an illusion." That revelation made me realize how much my anxiety had been shaping my world. My mind had convinced me that to be happy, I needed to control not just my own behaviours but also the actions and reactions of others.

When I say control, I don’t mean it in a manipulative way, this isn’t Cinderella’s stepmother. It’s more like Marlin from Finding Nemo, a control driven by fear and a desire to protect. For example, if my daughter was singing loudly, I might ask her to quiet down, not because it was inherently bad, but because I feared judgment. What if someone thought she was too much? What if they judged me as a parent? My instinct to control was about soothing my own anxiety, but the truth is, even if she were quiet, someone might still judge us. Control doesn’t protect us from discomfort; it creates more of it.

My therapist introduced me to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), a framework that helps us unhook from challenging thoughts and emotions. It teaches us to shift our focus from controlling everything around us to making choices aligned with our values. It’s been so transformative for me that it’s now the primary modality I use with clients.

So when I heard about The Let Them Theory, I was intrigued. Mel Robbins shares her own struggles with control and anxiety, mirroring many ACT principles. Plus, this book has been everywhere, so I had to find out…does it live up to the hype.

The Gist of It

The Let Them Theory is a two-part approach. First, recognize when someone else's behaviour triggers an emotional response in you. Instead of reacting, pause and think: Let Them. Let Them be angry/sad/happy. Let Them make their own choices. Let Them have their own experience. This mindset shift releases the need for control and reduces stress.

The second (and arguably more important) step is Let Me. Once we acknowledge our reaction and say Let Them, we turn inward and ask: What do I want to do? How do I want to show up? Instead of reacting emotionally, we can choose responses aligned with our values: Let Me focus on my own behaviour. Let Me practice compassion. Let Me stay grounded in my priorities.

Robbins explores how Let Them and Let Me apply to relationships, parenting, work, and more, while also explaining the research behind why this approach is so effective.

What Stuck With Me

My biggest takeaway? The freedom that comes from letting go of control. Anxiety tells us that if we manage everything (and everyone) perfectly, we’ll be safe. But in reality, trying to control others only increases stress and causes more pain and suffering.

This book reinforced the importance of creating space between emotion and reaction. Instead of immediately trying to fix, explain, or prevent discomfort, Robbins encourages us to pause, acknowledge what’s out of our hands (Let Them), and shift focus to what we can control (Let Me). This aligns closely with ACT, which teaches us to notice thoughts without letting them dictate our actions.

Another powerful message was how empowerment comes from focusing on our values rather than others' choices. Whether in parenting, friendships, or work, learning to step back and let others have their own experiences without jumping in to shield, correct, or convince is incredibly liberating.

Ultimately, this book reminds us that peace isn’t found in controlling outcomes but in choosing how we show up. Robbins presents this in a clear, relatable way that feels actionable.

Putting It Into Practice

The Let Them and Let Me mindset offers a simple but powerful strategy for loosening anxiety’s grip and focusing on what we can control. Instead of wasting energy trying to change others, we can redirect that effort toward our own choices, behaviours, and values.

Let Them/Let Me in practice:

· Notice when another’s reaction activates an emotional response inside of you.

· Pause and say, “Let Them.”

o   Let Them make their own choices, even if you disagree.

o   Let Them respond (or not respond) in their own way.

o   Let Them learn their own lessons, in their own time.

·  Shift to “Let Me.”

o   Let Me focus on how I want to show up.

o   Let Me decide what is best for my well-being.

o   Let Me take responsibility for my own actions instead of trying to control someone else’s.

This reframe can be a game-changer in relationships, parenting, and daily interactions. Instead of reacting out of frustration, we can practice acceptance and focus on our growth.

The ABC(DE) Loop: Navigating Relationships with Less Control

Another practical tool Robbins introduces is the ABC(DE) Loop, a framework for handling situations where we want someone to change. Instead of nagging, pushing, or stressing, this method helps us approach these situations with patience, self-awareness, and clear boundaries.

·       A: Apologize & Ask Open-Ended Questions

o   If you've been pressuring someone to change, acknowledge it. Apologize and shift to curiosity: “How do you feel about this?” or “Is this something you want to change?”

·       B: Back Off & Observe

o   Once you’ve expressed concern, let it be. Stop bringing it up. Continuing to push won’t create change; it will just build resentment.

·       C: Celebrate Progress & Model Change

o   If the person makes positive changes, acknowledge them. But rather than pushing, focus on modelling the behaviour you hope to see.

·       Wait six months. Change takes time. Be patient.

·       D: Decide if this is a Dealbreaker

o   If nothing has changed, ask: Can I accept this person as they are? Love often means accepting people as they are, not as we wish they would be.

·       E: End the Bitching or End the Relationship

o   If you can accept the person as they are, stop dwelling on it.

o   If you can’t, and the issue is truly a dealbreaker, it may be time to walk away.

Applying these strategies takes practice. Anxiety often makes us feel we must fix, manage, or prevent certain outcomes. But true power comes from recognizing what is and isn’t ours to control.

By practicing Let Them and Let Me and using tools like the ABC(DE) Loop, we can navigate relationships with less stress, more clarity, and a greater sense of agency. It’s not about giving up, it’s about putting our energy where it truly serves us.

Who Is This For?

This book is great for anyone who struggles with anxiety, overthinking, or the need to control outcomes, whether in relationships, parenting, work, or daily life. If you often find yourself frustrated by other people’s choices or stuck in worry loops, Let Them offers a refreshing perspective on letting go and focusing on what you can control.

Final Thoughts

As an ACT therapist, the idea of unhooking from challenging emotions and choosing actions aligned with values isn’t new to me. However, what I appreciate about The Let Them Theory is how Mel Robbins presents these concepts in an incredibly accessible and actionable way. She strips away the academic jargon and delivers the message like a no-nonsense best friend: direct, honest, and sometimes a little blunt.

This isn’t a book that gently guides you toward self-awareness like a therapist might. Instead, it calls you out (with love) on the ways your need for control is holding you back. Robbins challenges readers to recognize how much emotional energy we waste trying to change things outside of our control and then offers a simple, powerful mindset shift to help us let go.

While the Let Them concept isn’t groundbreaking for those familiar with ACT or Stoicism, its true strength lies in its ability to resonate with a broad audience. It’s a fast, engaging read, and its viral success means more people are being introduced to an empowering mindset shift.

As Mel Robbins said, “When you "Let Them" do whatever it is that they want to do, it creates more control and emotional peace for you and a better relationship with the people in your life.” And that is a message worth sharing.

If you find yourself caught up in trying to control others’ behaviors and it's taking a toll on you, you're not alone. Reach out today for a free consultation.

Together, we can explore ways to help you find balance, let go of what’s outside your control, and restore your well-being.